In an era when many cocktail bars disappear so far up their own backsides, the entire menu is basically grimly unpleasant to drink, the Tonga Room keeps things pleasingly old school. This iconic San Francisco tiki bar delivers shamelessly sweet crowd pleasers with big pours of rum and maybe a bit of cream on top.
Old school tiki bar excellence
There’s no mixing fernet with bacon rind, durian juice and cumin here. It’s all about classic tropical cocktails that actually taste good.
Oh, and if you want, you can have it served inside a hollowed-out pineapple. The Tonga Room is a tiki bar, and is considerably cheesier than anything Fisherman’s Wharf can manage, but it is also something much more than that.
San Francisco institution since 1945
Buried inside San Francisco’s Fairmont Hotel, and a massively incongruous fit with everything else on site, the bar has been running since 1945. As much as the hotel would probably like to replace it with something more subdued that fits with a corporate image, the Tonga Room is such a steadfast favourite in San Francisco that the management wouldn’t dare. You can have great time at the likes of the Exploratorium, Walt Disney Family Museum and California Academy of Sciences, but nowhere’s more fun than this absurd bar.
The Tonga Room is a very, very silly place. And it’s not just making token nods to the Polynesian vibe with a few umbrellas and a wooden mask on the wall, either.
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Commitment to Polynesian theme
It wholeheartedly commits to the conceit, with a giant pirate ship-esque booth to the side. Massive palm-thatched roofs and surfboard-shaped tables complete the tropical transformation.
The room is also riddled with what looks like rigging from a ship. A war canoe is mounted on the wall.
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The famous lagoon and live music
Then there’s the pool – or rather, the lagoon. The Tonga Room is built around what used to be the hotel swimming pool – apparently Ronald Reagan used to swim in it.
Come the evening, a thatched-roof barge sails on to it, dragged along by an electronically operated cable. On this barge is the Island Groove Band, which cheerfully belts out party hit after party hit.
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Live entertainment experience
They’re tight, they’re high quality, and quickly have everyone bellowing along to classic party anthems like “Africa” by Toto and the obligatory Rick Astley.
Then, just in case proceedings aren’t quite ludicrous enough, sprinklers around the pool burst into life every few minutes for a simulated tropical storm.
Anthony Bourdain’s seal of approval
The world can probably be divided into those who think this sounds hideous – these flint-hearted, life-sapping ghouls are best advised to stay well away. And those who think this is the greatest place on earth.
The late Anthony Bourdain was in the latter camp. His heartfelt admission of this gave the joint a new lease of life in the 2010s.
The perfect anti-cool atmosphere
An absolutely essential factor in the Tonga Room working so beautifully is that no-one in there appears to be under any illusion that they’re cool. It’s the sort of place where people who can’t dance, dance anyway.
Colleagues in suits end up there after a couple of after-work drinks turn into six or seven. Throw in bemused tourists in socks and sandals, gawky students and hotel guests who thought they were going to a normal hotel restaurant.
Delightful mix of patrons
But they’ve thoroughly bought into the weapons-grade nonsense:
It’s a truly delightful hodgepodge.
Overwhelming camp and wholesome fun
As the faux storms break over the ‘lagoon’, and the band breaks into “The Boys Are Back In Town”, the sense of wholesome, giddy camp is overwhelming. People who might have come for one piña colada find themselves wobbling away after a couple more frankly lethal Zombies.
The dancefloor is an absurd mix of sequins, plaid shirts and loosened ties. There is absolutely no chance that the Tonga Room will be replaced by a starched-collar wine bar any time soon.
Entry information
After 7pm, when the band comes on, the Tonga Room has a $15 cover charge. This is waived for Fairmont Hotel guests.
More California travel
Other California articles on Planet Whitley include:
- How West Hollywood became the gay capital of Los Angeles.
- A visit to Death Valley – the hottest place on earth.
- Why Dante’s View may be the best view in California.
- Inside Hearst Castle – the most expensive home ever built.
- Is there a direct flight from Los Angeles to Rarotonga?
